Guardian Angel
by aguidetohermind
Summary: Madison Hale is the newest recruit at Station 19, following the new Captain's changes. Escaping a dark past, Madison starts over in Seattle but as the days go on her and Jack begin to fall for each other. Conflicts arise as she learns of Jack and Andy's past, and emotions come to head as twist and turns await around every corner.
1. Chapter 1-With My Masks Up

"Deep breaths, Madi you can do this. You've done first days before, I know that first impressions are everything but you can do this. They'll like you, everyone at your old station liked you. It'll just take some time. Being the rookie or 'new girl' again is going to be rough. All the hazing and practical jokes that lies ahead of me again is daunting. I walk up the stairs of the sleek fire station. The new Captain is taking me to the kitchen where the crew is eating breakfast. He holds the door open for me and I walk through seeing everyone at the table across the room. They all look up from their food and chatter as soon as the Captain is noticed. The vibes I was getting from him and the crew was that the Captain isn't very liked around here.  
"Listen up." He says his voice bellowing, "This is Madison Hale, the new addition to your crew. I've decided to make some changes around here starting with bringing on Madison." Everyone looks up from their food in an unimpressed manner and all look back to what they're doing. A brown haired lieutenant looks around the table and gets up with a smile on her face.  
"Hi. I'm Lt. Andy Herrera." She extends a hand to me and shakes my hand with a smile. "Here take a seat." She gestures to an open seat and I sit down beside a buff man eating cereal. I meet eyes with a man with a gentle smile and sandy blonde hair. His name tag reads 'Lt. Gibson' and I seem to be drawn into the depth of his ocean blue eyes. "So," Andy begins, "Let's all go around the table and introduce ourselves, we have drills and truck checks after breakfast. The Captain has already done a uniform check this morning and I'm sure your uniform is in your locker in the shower and sleep area." I smile and nod my head. "This is Victoria Hughes," Andy begins pointing at each person, "Travis Montgomery, Ben Warren, Jack Gibson, Maya Bishop and Dean Miller." She ends with the man sitting beside me.  
"So, Madison tell us about yourself." Gibson says, making eye contact with me from across the table. I smile shyly and stare at the light coloured oak table.  
"Um well, I go by Madi. I'm Canadian, I was a critical care paramedic, and just decided I needed a change. I just finished at the fire academy here but have loads of medical experience as a CCP and worked on the helicopter and ground units."  
"Wow that's pretty impressive. Why the change?" Gibson takes a bite of his breakfast, I blush under his glances.  
"I just decided to start fresh is all." I answer in a closed off tone, not wanting to get more in depth about it. Everyone just nods and continues eating, the silence fills the room. I guess fitting in is going to be harder than I expected. Maybe its just a Canadian thing...  
Vic starts teaching me how to roll and dry hoses after breakfast. She has me set them up and runs me doing drills all morning. The rest of the crew is running air tank drills on the stairs and bridge over the truck bay. With huffing and puffing I finally complete the drills in a good time. I'm getting the sense that Vic is competitive and takes pride in having good times in these skills. This is very different than medical skills to know and master. Being a paramedic, once you master the call structure and protocols for every type of medical dilemma and emergency, everything else just falls into place with practice. Its crazy how I was just at the academy and now I'm in a station running drills and waiting for calls. Being completely in a new country is also so overwhelming , why did I do this? I just needed to get away. Away from everything and everyone, and to completely start over where no one knows me. The memories I left in Canada haunt me everyday. I shudder at the memories of what happened there, of how things ended. I just needed to run from everything in my head, I couldn't stand another day driving down those streets and the pity looks my colleagues gave me. They treated me like I was fragile after.. after what happened in the mountains.  
"Hale?! What are you doing?" Hughes barks at me, "Your head is in the clouds." I shake the thought out of my head.  
"Sorry I just got distracted."  
"You need to focus." She hands me the hose and motions for me to run another length of the truck bay. Sweat drips down my temples and I take deep breaths trying to bring my heart rate down. I hear foot steps approaching, and see Montgomery enter the truck bay.  
"Hey Hale, you'll be on Aid Car with me today. We still have to break you in."  
"Alright as long as you drive and I can be the Attendant. I'm still not too familiar with Seattle yet." I reply wiping my forehead with my arm.  
"Sure thing, you got it." He turns and leaves back upstairs. I look back at Vic and she makes me run more drills all morning.


	2. Chapter 2-To the Cries of the Dead

The TV blares the news happening around the city. The news anchor discusses the latest in police events and national news about the President. Everyone is off doing their own thing waiting for calls. Warren and Hughes are laughing about something in the kitchen and Andy is downstairs with Bishop. I'm not sure where the rest of the crew is maybe asleep or decompressing elsewhere. Rain begins to pour down outside as the night settles in. The concretes becoming a dark tone and clouds cover over the moonlight. I get up and kneel on the couch, staring out the window as I hear the rain hitting the concrete in a __patter, patter, patter__ sound. I can see just how hard it's pouring down as I catch glimpses of it in the street light. The huge cluster of lights coming from Grey Sloan Memorial is glowing in the distance. At least if there is a fire the rain should help us in the fight against it. We haven't gotten many calls all shift, only a few small fires but none that required medical support. Just a kitchen fire and some kids playing with a bow torch under a bridge. I think about when I was a teenager, how the world seemed to be at my feet. I always knew I wanted to help people. My grandfather was also a paramedic in Canada so I guess it runs in my family. I never really went through a rebellious phase, I went to a few parties and have had my fair share of the taste of alcohol; but it never interested me.

I look at my uniform in the reflection of the window. I wore a uniform just like this in Canada, same dark blue colour and style. In Canada, at least where I lived the fire and paramedics were all separate from each other. Here in Seattle the fire and paramedics are all one team. Moving here.. to get away.. I wanted to start a new but doing what I still love. Despite to say I was nervous to start in the fire career and learning all new protocols and a new country. My thoughts are disrupted as a loud beeping comes overhead as the tone drops on the radios and a new call comes in.

"Station 19, structure fire, response needed." The voice bellows and we call sprint to the truck bay. I hop into the passenger seat of the Aid Care and Montgomery jumps beside me and starts the engine. The bay doors open as we put on our seat belts, the lights illuminate with the flick of the switch.

"Station 19 responding." I say into the radio notifying dispatch as we race out. We follow the two trucks through the dark dreary night. I smile as I get excited about my first call with Station 19. Every call I get, I get excited that I'm here to save lives. I'm always here to answer the call. I just hope that I can help and be there how the patient needs on the worst day of their lives. Like how no one was there for me on the worst day of mine…

The truck lights illuminate on the two story white house as we pull up on scene. The wind is blowing strongly from the east and seems to be pushing the fire and fueling it along. Rain still pours down and I'm thankful that it's still pouring. We all jump out of the rigs and as soon as we do a woman comes running out of the house in a panic. The blaze has fully engulfed the left side of the house and continues to spread from the wind pushing it. There is a big oak tree beside the house that will soon catch. Hopefully the rain will help the wood to be soaked so it doesn't spread to nearby houses. Neighbors from around the block have come outside their houses to watch the house burn. Andy begins to start yelling orders at us to begin extinguishing the fire. Montgomery and I run to the lady who has come running outside.

"Ma'am, you're safe now. Please come to the ambulance." I say grabbing her for support and taking her to the ambulance.

"My babies! My babies are still inside! I couldn't get to their door it's been blocked!" She cries trying to pull away and run back inside. A mother's instincts can be so overpowering, clouding the fear of death.

"It's okay, our team is going inside to get them." Montgomery says reassuring her. She follows us into the back of the ambulance and I instantly begin assessing her.

"What's your name?" I ask taking out the patient care form and begin filling it out with her information.

"Allison Thompson. Please, they need to get my babies. My husband is at work, the fire just broke out. I don't even know how it started." She replies lying down as the cot staring me right in the eyes. She seems terrified, her eyes filled with fear. I would be too if my children were trapped inside a burning building. She's putting all her trust in us. Her families life is in our hands. Their entire future, their entire being is all riding on us. But I have faith in our team to get them out safely. Station 19 is one of the best stations in Seattle.

I make sure she has a good level of consciousness and no spinal injuries in her back. Montgomery grabs the O2 tank and I instruct him to start oxygen at 15L on a regular mask. I go through my steps, but keeping an ear out on the radio as the team works through the house. I check her airway to make sure its open, her breathing next and then her circulation. I take her wrist and make sure the pulse in her arm is good and strong. I then quickly go over all her limbs and torso checking for any wounds or broken bones. I find nothing and continue to check her skin, its warm, pink and she's sweating. I double check the oxygen and make sure she's getting enough and that it's helping. Her airway is still okay and everything seems in order.

"Are you comfortable on the cot here?" I ask getting her a blanket to stay warm. Her clothes are soaking wet from the rain. My entire check through only took three minutes. She nods and sits impatiently under the cozy flannel blanket. I take out the blood pressure cuff, Spo2 monitor, pen light to check her eyes and everything else I need for vitals. All of them check out and she seems to be doing well. The radio chimes in and Herrera's voice bellows in,

"We found two infants. One is about 8 months old and the other seems about 18 months." Her voice is harsh and the urgency in her voice cuts me down to the bone. Something is wrong with the babies. "We're bringing them out now, Hale and Montgomery be ready we need medical assistance." I look at the mother and her eyes are wide with fear.

"What's wrong with them? What's happening? Are they okay?" Her voice cracks with fear. Working with peadiatrics and infants always get to me. They're so young and helpless. They have no idea what's going on and they can't tell me what hurts or why they feel sick. They're so young and innocent, they have their entire lives ahead of them. I can't let their mother watch them die, it would be my fault.

Herrera appears out from the smoke carrying a small baby, and Gibson comes swiftly behind her carrying a smaller child. I watch as their little feet dangle and jump limply as Herrera quickly walks toward the ambulance. The fear and adrenaline wells up inside me as I watch her approach with the baby.

"Here. Hurry, we found them in their crib. Completely unresponsive. The room was filled with smoke." She places the baby on the cot, the mother jumps up and gives us room to lay the baby down.

"Oh, Charlie my baby. My little angel. Please! Please help him!" She screams at me. Gibson brings the other child in and Montgomery gets to work on helping him. The rest of the team goes back to help subdue the fire, while Jack hangs back to help us stabilize. I look down at the small 8 month old baby, his skin is cyanotic; completely blue. All his limbs are completely limp and lifeless, he has no pulse and isn't breathing. I look at Jack, his eyes meet mine. The baby is dead, my mind spins about what I need to do first… As I start to get out the airway management equipment a loud boom echoes from the direction of the house.


	3. Chapter 3-The Depressed and the Lost

The rain is pouring down hitting the roof of the ambulance. I stand frozen for just a split second. The explosion has made all my muscles tense with fear. The entire team was inside. I turn to Jack and his eyes are wide with fear, we both look at Montgomery who meets our eyes. What do we do? We can't leave three patients alone in here. I turn to the baby as I was getting the airway bag out. I have to help this patient, I can't let this child die. But my team needs me, they could be hurt. We need back up. Montgomery and I can't treat 8 patients alone.

"Gibson to Herrera. Come in." Gibson yells into the radio. The silence that follows seems like eons.

"We're good here. It was just a small propane tank out back. No injuries." Bishop says over the radio. "We're going to continue through. We have this under control, take the babies to the hospital." We all sigh a sigh of relief and continue back to our patients. Jack looks over the older baby and he seems to be okay. Breathing fine and his lungs sound clear. I focus on Charlie, his lifeless body limp and blue. Montgomery grabs the bag valve mask and begins breathing air into the child's lungs. I strap baby Charlie into the peadiatric cot straps and make sure he's not going anywhere. I take off his little blue onesie and grab the AED out. This baby isn't dying today. I will do everything in my power to help this poor child. I stick the tiny AED pads on and begin chest compressions. I place the heel of my hand in the middle of his chest and begin pressing down. I watch as his chest sinks and recoils back up. I count in my head to fifteen. Once nearing 15 I count out loud.

"...12, 13, 14, 15." I alert Montgomery to breathe one breath into Charlie's lungs. I watch as his stomach rises and falls. "Montgomery, switch out with Gibson you need to drive us. We need to transport now." I say in a serious tone.

"Please! Please help him! He's only a child!" The mothers voice breaks as tears being to stream down her face. I continue compressions as we begin to fly along the road. I do two full minutes before the AED chimes in.

"Analyzing." The robotic voice says. We wait as it analyzes the babies hear rhythm. All this damn waiting around, it seems so unbearable. "No shock advised." It says. I jump right back into compressions before it can finish speaking.

The ride to the hospital seems like forever, but we finally arrive at Grey Sloan Memorial. We're greeted by many doctors all ready to take our patients. The doors swing open and I begin filling them in.

"Three patients, structure fire. All suffering from smoke inhalation. 8 months old with severe smoke inhalation. No pulse, not breathing. I've done 3 rounds of CPR with no shock advised. A GCS of 1, 1, 1 for a total of 3." A blonde doctor with a bright smile and blue eyes comes and takes the two babies, her name is Robbins. Right before my eyes they're whisked away. Another doctor by the name of Grey comes and takes the mother and next thing I know I'm alone in the waiting room. I hand over my charts and take a seat. Anticipation and anxiety courses through my body. That child is dead, not even surgery can help him. With children, when their hearts stop its usually due to respiratory issues. If his tiny lungs got caked with smoke, he wouldn't be able to breath. He was asleep in his bed and just stopped breathing, soon after his heart would stop due to lack of oxygen. I did everything I could but it wasn't enough. I get up from the chair and walk down the long hospital corridors. I don't seen an EMS break room anywhere. I do see a small on call room and go inside for a moment to myself. I lock the door and lean against the wall. The room is dimly light with two bunk beds on either side. Anger and frustration overcomes me. How the hell did this happen. I couldn't save him. I did everything I could but it wasn't enough. I physically beat his heart for him and I couldn't save him. This is all my fault, I should've done more, I should've tried different medications… my mind is spinning. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I kill that beautiful child. Did I miss anything? Any steps? Any protocols? Anger wells up inside me. I let that mother watch her baby die. I let out an angered scream and punch the wall as hard as I can. As my hand meets the wall I hear a knock on the door.

"Ouch damn it!" I say harshly in pain. I look at my hand and my middle knuckle is bleeding. I open the door and Gibson is standing there with his deep blue eyes and messy hair.

"You okay?" He asks. Looking down at my bleeding hand. It's starting to bruise now. He comes inside and the small dent left from my hand catches his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Really. Let's go back to the station." I say lying. I don't trust these people yet and they don't trust me. I'm not going to tell them all my problems and feelings the first week on the job.

"Madi, you can talk to me. We're all here for you." He takes my hand and inspects my bleeding knuckle.

"I'm fine, really. Let's just go." I turn without saying a word, I can feel his eyes watching me as I leave.

The station is calm and quiet as midnight approaches. The TV is on low, the light flickering from the lounge. Miller is sitting alone eating at the dinner table where we all met. I walk to the bedrooms without making eye contact with anyone. I quietly close the door and with a small __click __I'm alone again with my thoughts. I take off my heavy boots and sit on the edge of the bed. The only light is coming from the street light outside the window. It shines across the floor in a square shape. I take my brown hair out if it's pony tail and it falls down past my shoulders. Today was rough, every time I lose a patient it takes a piece of me. Throughout training and schooling for this line of work they always prepare you. They try and teach you to learn to deal with it, but do you ever learn to deal with death? We're taught to take care of ourselves first. We can't help patients if we're a wreck and if we get weighted down with the thoughts of all the patients we've lost. We've been taught to cold shoulder the tough calls, even though that seems cruel. It's just how we survive. I feel that as human beings we're not meant to see this much trauma and carnage on a regular basis. A small knock on the door knocks me out of my swarming thoughts. I look up to see Jack come in and close the door behind him. He leans against the door and stares at me with is deep blue eyes. I don't meet his glance and continue to stare at the square of yellow light on the floor.

"Madi, you did everything you could do. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have bad days."

"This is different, Gibson." I place my head in my hands, "This was a child. A baby, 8 months old. Haven't you ever lost a child?" I look up at him and see the pity look on his face.

"This job will eat away at you if you let it. You have to put it behind you." His voice is calm and smooth. He just doesn't get it. This is all my fault, I should've been better. Faster, stronger, smarter?

"I killed a damn child, Gibson!" I stand up abruptly and turn away from him, staring out the window. The mother's voice haunts my head… _'___Please! Save my baby!' __

_"_You're the the best at what you do, Madi. You did everything you could. You can't hold that on yourself." He comes and sits down on the bed. "Come here. I brought some stuff for your hand." I look down at my knuckles that have scabbed over. It still stings, but the physical pain is much less than the pain in my mind. I sit down beside him and he takes my hand.

"You can call me Jack if you'd like. Yah know, around the station and stuff." He puts some ointment on my hand and I wince in pain.

"Thanks." I say staring down. He puts a regular bandaid on my hand and we sit there in silence for a moment.

"Well, I'll let you try and get some sleep. I'll just be in the next room if you need anything. Or if you want to talk, all right?" He stares at me for a moment but I still can't meet his glance. I smiled slightly at his kindness.

"Goodnight, Jack." I look up at him and he places his hand on mine.

"Goodnight, Madi." He gets up and leaves me alone. I lay on my back on the bed. The station is eerily too quiet. My mind seems so loud in the silence, I close my eyes trying to sleep, but I know I won't sleep much. We're all still on shift, I'll need to respond at any moment. I've lost children before, in Canada. They always hit me harder than most calls. I know I'll be all right… well eventually I will be. I slowly begin to drift off asleep as my mind drifts away.

__The wind is howling. The helicopter's rotors are making a chopping noise that echoes off the snowy mountains. The engine is so loud you can't even hear yourself think. I'm bundled up in warm winter clothes, but it doesn't seem to keep out the cold. I adjust my blue headset, the radio and pilot's chatter fill my ears. I look over at my partner, he's filling out the patient care form. I glance at the ECG monitor, the patients heart rhythm is good. I take his blood pressure and everything is within normal range. I watch as the mountains below us pass under the chopper. We should be at the hospital in about two hours by helicopter. A loud beeping noise comes from the cockpit. My partner looks up and our eyes meet. I look down at the patient. What's happening?__

I wake up in a pool of sweat, breathing hard. I roll over in the fetal position and bring a pillow to my chest. Quiet wet tears stream down my cheeks and roll onto my neck. No matter how far I run, I can't escape my past, I can't escape whats in my mind. No matter where I go I can't change what's happened. I can't change who I am. 


	4. Chapter 4-Preservation of The Peace

I push myself up on the bed, I sit with my knees up. I haven't been able to fall back asleep. I check my watch, its around 3AM. I take a long deep sigh, my eyes burn from being tired. I put my shoes back on and throw on a work t-shirt, the fire logo is cold on my chest. I open the door and walk to the kitchen for some coffee. The station is dead, everyone is asleep. A few lights are on and it's very dim and peaceful. I scoop out the coffee and put it in the coffee maker. I stare at the coffee pods, trying to decide what I want. I grab a mug out of the drawer and lean against the counter, waiting. It seems we spend most of our lives waiting for something. I yawn and rub my eyes, trying to get rid of the tiredness. I hear a door open and footsteps approaching. Jack appears from the sleeping area.

"Hey." He says in a tired tone. His face is a cute tiredness, much like a child when they first wake up. His hair is more of a mess than usual. He runs a hand through it and fixes it into place.

"Making coffee?" He asks yawning.

"Yeah. Can't sleep either?" I grab out a mug and pour him a glass.

"Haven't been sleeping much lately." He takes a long sip. I pour myself a cup and add some cream and sweetener. I hold the mug with both my hands, feeling the warmth creep through my veins.

"How long has that been going on?" I ask. He doesn't say anything, just stares at the floor. I don't press the question, I don't want to over step my boundaries. I walk slowly over to the table and take a seat. Jack comes and sits across from me, and takes another sip.

"You look like crap, Jack. Are you okay?"

"It's nothing just some insomnia." He runs another hand through his hair. Our eyes meet. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me. I had insomnia as a teenager. I could never sleep. Especially when my sister wasn't home."

"What happened with your sister?"

"She was an addict. Always out late at night, always with the wrong people. I'd never know if she'd come home most nights."

"What was her drug of choice?"

"Heroin. I'll never forget finding needles in her room, under her bed, mattress, clothing drawer. It broke my family apart."

"Is she clean now?" I stare at the table for a moment and take a deep sigh.

"No. She died when I was 16. She overdosed in the bathroom. I called the paramedics, they gave her Narcan, did CPR but she ended up dying on scene. My mother ended up drinking after that. Then my father filed for divorce the following year." I take a long sip of my coffee and let the silence that follows settle between us.

"I'm sorry that happened. You were so young." He reaches out and touches my hand in comfort.

"It's okay. The weird thing is, as much as I missed her I slept better after her death. I didn't have to worry about her anymore. What happened, happened."

I feel like I said too much. I shouldn't be telling him all this. I've come to terms a long time ago with my sister's death. It's almost as if it's just a distant memory. As if she was just someone I had known who moved away.

"You should talk to Bishop if you ever need to talk to someone about your sister. She has a brother, she's going through the same thing." Almost as if she heard her name she appears. Jack pulls his hand away quickly.

"What are you two up to?" she asks inquisitively.

"Just having some coffee. There's some left in the pot, fresh and hot." I say gesturing towards the counter.

"Sweet, thanks."

"Well I guess I should try and sleep some more before we get another call out. Goodnight." I say and get up and head back to bed.

The smell of cooking bacon and eggs wakes me up. The sun has come through the window, the rain has stopped pouring sometime in the night. I get up and throw my uniform back on and head to the kitchen. Everyone is gathering around the table all cheerful and excited for the day.

"Eyyy! Good morning, Hale!" Miller says throwing his hands in the air welcoming me to breakfast. I smile at everyone and take a seat next to Jack. Herrera smiles a glowing smile at me, shaking her head from Miller's enthusiasm.

"Did you sleep okay, Madi? First nights in the station can be kinda rough. A new place and all."

"Yeah I slept okay. Kinda restless in anticipation of a call coming in. The usual." I smile and get a glass of orange juice and some fruit. I look at the long counter covered in food. Bacon, eggs, pancakes, almost every breakfast food is on this counter. I sit back next to Jack. He hands me a plate from the table.

"Travis makes really good bacon you should try some." I smile and accept as he dishes out my breakfast for me. I catch Maya's glance and she turns her head from me as I look up. No one else seemed to see her eyeing me up. What was her irritated glance for?

"Oh also, after breakfast the Captain likes to do uniform inspection and to delegate work duties." Herrera chimes in. I raise an eyebrow.

"Uniform inspection?" I ask inquisitively. "We never had anything like that in Canada."

"Yeah, um he likes to keep tabs on everything." Vic replies.

"Hey guys, it's not that bad. He just likes order." Herrera defends him.

"You'd be all for that wouldn't you?" Vic replies in a snarky tone, but not trying to be rude.

"Enough." Jack replies. "He's the Captain. We do what he says. We may not like it but we have to respect it." I'm starting to get the hint that they all aren't too fond of Captain Sullivan. "I can help you run some drills and study our protocols after breakfast, Madi."

"Thanks." I smile at Jack's kindness. We all leave the subject of the Captain alone and continue eating our breakfast in happier spirits.

The dining table has been cleared off and cleaned. Jack and I sit alone in the sun light with open textbooks and binders of the local protocols. We study over them, absorbing the information about cutting strips and venting fires. All things we'll need to know and learn inside and out. It's good to refresh my mind after the fire academy. The medical protocols I ace, but still need to study my fire protocols. Jack leans back in his chair and takes a deep stretch. We've been at this all morning so far. I watch as he stretches, all his muscles clench and his ribs push out. Before he opens his eyes I quickly turn away. I blush at the thought I just checked him out like a high school girl with a crush. I just couldn't help myself to admire his toned arms and body.

"I need a drink. Do you want one?" He gets up and struts over to the sink and turns on the tap.

"Sure that would be great. Thanks." I smile shyly and stare down at the table. Silence between us fills the room. I sit there for a moment, I want to know more about him. He seems so… cryptic? He comes back over with two glasses of water and places one in front of me. He closes and pushes the books across the table.

"Time for a break. My brain hurts." He smiles and his whole face lights up. He leans back to relax in the chair. "So, you mentioned last night about your sister. Can I ask, what's your story?"

"Why do you want to know?" I smile, trying to hid my defensiveness.

"I don't know. Just want to get to know you I guess."

"I just didn't have the best life, Jack. That's all."

"Neither did I."

"Oh?"

"Yeah I grew up on the streets. Lived in a foster home, the works. Yours can't be too bad, Madi. I've seen it all. Trust me." He leans forward and places his hand on mine. He flashes me a reassuring smile. I take a deep breath. I've never really talked about it with anyone. I never had a therapist or anyone to go to. Well… except Mike. I clear that thought out of my head right away. I can't think about him right now. It's too painful.

"Well, as you know my sister died. My father also died after that. He had a massive heart attack. My mother swears it was the stress of my sister and her death. But after my sister died my mom started drinking heavily. She drank somewhat before, a functioning alcoholic I guess you could say. She went to all my parent teacher meetings, fed me, made sure I was okay. But it just felt like she was a shell of who she used to be. She lost my sister and my father in the same year. She couldn't cope, and I guess I just wasn't enough for her." I stop and stare at the floor. "I'm fine though." Lie. Always lies. I take a deep breath and suppress all my feelings down deep where I hide them. "I've gotten used to it. But I'm an adult now. I control my own life."

"You can always talk to me, Madi. I'm sorry that happened to you." He squeezes my hand. I hear the door open from the stairwell.

"What's going on up here?" Bishop comes strolling in. Jack quickly pulls his hand away from mine. Just as I was about to defend us, the alarm goes off. Saved by the bell I guess. I run off towards the truck bay. As I fling open the door I hear Maya's voice.

"Gibson…." Her tone is low and belittling, kind of in a scolding tone. What is such her interest in what happens between Jack and I?

I race as fast as I can down the stairs. The voice bellows through the speakers.

"Aid care respond. Woman in labour." I fill with excitement, I haven't delivered a healthy baby in so long. As a advance care and critical care paramedic I never got the chance to deliver a healthy baby. It's always an urgent crisis and we're usually too late to really do anything. I do guess though that when someone calls 911 for a delivery its never a good sign. Something has to be wrong. I focus myself on the task at hand. I jump into the aid care and the passenger door opens and Jack jumps inside.

"Guess I'm on Aid Care today too."

"Alright." I reply starting the engine and pressing the button for the bay doors to open. "Have you ever delivered a baby before?" I pull out of the bay and flip the lights on and we're off down the road fully running code with lights and sirens.

"I haven't delivered a baby yet. But Vic and Warren did a while back."

I put on my gloves with one had on the wheel. I watch as all the cars pull to the side of the road letting me pass. I stop at the stop lights, checking the intersections before I proceed through them. Silence between Jack and I again continue to grow between us.

"So… what was that about with Bishop? She sounded.. upset?" Jack looks down at his clipboard with the patient care record on it. He takes a moment before answering.

"Don't worry about it." He shrugs it off and quickly changes the subject. "Our patient is a 27 year old, this is her first child. Been having contractions for about an hour."

"Well looks like we've got some time to get her and baby to the hospital before the baby gives us a visit."

"We'll see. Sometimes they just pop right out."

"Don't jinx it, Gibson! I don't want to be delivering the baby in the back of the rig on the highway!" He laughs.

"You better drive fast then."

We pull up to an apartment building and a woman meets us outside. I park the ambulance near the sidewalk in the parking lot. Jack and I both jump out at the same time. He grabs the cot and I grab the jump kits from the rig.

"She's inside! The baby is coming!" She turns and starts quickly walking towards the buildings, we follow in quick pursuit. We enter to see blood all over the small apartment and I get this gut feeling this isn't going to be as happy as I initially thought. A trail of blood leads us to the bathroom where this woman is lying on the ground with her legs up. Jack and I right away start to work assessing the patient.

"Hi. My name is Madi and this is Jack. We're here to help."

"Hi…" She screams in pain as another contraction starts. "My names Hailey." I look down and see blood dripping down her legs and blood staining the white tiles. It's dark and daunting. Something must be wrong. There shouldn't be this much blood. I assess her level of consciousness and she's awake and alert. Jack begins putting O2 on her and hooking up the ECG stickers to her chest.

"You haven't fallen today?"

"No I sat down here. It hurts so bad! Why is there so much blood?"

"I'm just going to take a peak if that's alright?" She nods and groans in pain. I feel sorry for her. This must be so scary and traumatizing. I lift up the towel and see the head peaking through. I look to Jack,

"The baby is coming." I look to the mother her eyes wide with fear. "We're going to deliver the baby. We're here to help, okay?" She nods. "You need to tell me when the next contraction is and then push. I'm going to catch it when it comes out." I place my palms together with my finger tips apart, like I could catch a foot ball. I prepare myself for whats ahead. Jack begins starting an IV line and administering some medications.

"A contraction is starting!" She screams at me.

"Alright, I want you to push while I count to ten. Make sure to take some deep breaths." She begins pushing while Jack watches her heart rhythms on the ECG.I start counting from one to ten slowly. I hold my hands ready and take a glance at the ECG while still counting. Jack holds up the pink slip and shows me. I inspect it without moving my hands. Be both communicate non-verbally with a glance and both agree her heart isn't working as it should. Which could means trouble for both mom and baby. We need to transport as soon as the baby leaves the birth canal. I tell Jack to start a rapid body survey. Just to make sure she doesn't have any injuries or anything out of the ordinary or pain anywhere. He comes up with nothing which is a good sign. He then continues to check her airway, breathing and pulses in her wrists. Everything is good and strong. I check again and the head has fully appeared.

"You're doing so good! Just need to get the shoulders out now! One big push on the next contraction. Gibson, can you check her skin and oxygen for me? Is the oxygen helping?"

"Yes I can breathe easier. Where is my mom? I want her to be here!" She screams in pain again. "Another contraction is coming! MOM get in here! THE BABY IS COMING!" Her mother appears and stands in the doorway.

"You can do it sweetheart!" She says trying to be supportive.

"Where were you?!" She cries out.

"4,5,6… you're almost there just push really hard!" I say trying to re-focus her."

"I was letting the nice paramedics do their job. And you blood makes me queasy."

"Don't you want to be here when your grandchild is born?" She says in a snarky manner.

The baby pops out and is completely blue. I catch it and Jack swoops up the baby and wraps it in a blanket. He begins drying him off and trying to simulate the airways to open. I focus my attention to Hailey. Her skin turns cyanotic and her breathing becomes shallow.

"Hailey. Hailey can you hear me?" I ask trying not to have the concern come across in my tone. Please don't code. I can't handle having another loss. I can't lose another patient! Damn it, Hailey! I do a sternum rub to stimulate pain to try and rouse her level of consciousness. She groggily mumbles to me. At least her heart hasn't stopped. I hit the button on the ECG machine and take her blood pressure as the machine is spitting out the pink sheet with her rhythms on it. Her heart has gotten worse and her blood pressure has dipped a little but she's still stable. A loud cry begins and I sigh a sigh of relief, the baby is alright.

"Let's transport, Gibson." We package, position and run our protocol and get the mom and baby into the Aid Car. She begins to come around when we lock the cot into the ambulance. Jack places the baby into her arms and she smiles lovingly down at the little bundle of joy.

"Congratulations. It's a boy." She smiles at us.

"Thank you." I hit Jack playfully on the shoulder.

"Alright, I'll drive. Grey Sloan here we come."

I hand over the patient care form to the nurse and inform the doctors about the ECG and her blood pressure results on scene. I give all the paperwork and head over to Jack in the sitting area.

"Well?" I say with a huge smile on my face.

"Well what?" He asks looking slightly confused. We start walking back to the ER to the Aid Car.

"Well you just birthed a baby, Jack! Isn't it such an amazing feeling?! It's the circle of life! We may have lost those other patients. But we just helped another."

"Yeah it was pretty awesome, right? But I mean you basically did the whole birthing part."

"I mean yeah but you did all the technical stuff."

"Madi, are you okay? I mean… losing both those child patients… has to be pretty hard. It would be hard on anyone."

"I've lost lots of patients over the years, Jack. I only dealt with the worst most critical patients. I'm fine, really. How about you just worry about yourself, okay?"

I walk off and leave him standing there. That was cruel of me, but I just don't want him on my case all the time I had enough of that in Canada. I left because of it. Always watching me to make sure I'm 'okay' that I'm 'fine.' Am I only lying to them, or am I also lying to myself? I push the thought out of my mind. I'm not dealing with it now. I climb into the drivers seat of the Aid Car. Jack appears a minute later and climbs into the passenger seat.

"Madi, I…" He begins

"Let's go. I'm starving, do you think Montgomery has cooked anything yummy?" I say cutting him off. I start the car and drive off. We drive in silence, he doesn't press about it or say anything to me the entire time.


	5. Chapter 5-The Pain in Your Damn Eyes

Everything just seems so…? Stressful. A new place, new coworkers, new relationships. I lie awake staring at the ceiling in the dark. The small outline of the furniture is outline by the small light coming from under the door. The station is quiet, everyone is asleep. I turn over and face the wall, pulling my knees up to my chest. Emotions swarm inside me like a storm. I was so rude to Jack earlier at the hospital, he didn't deserve me to snap like I did. He was trying to watch out for me and I let my emotions get the best of me. As a paramedic I learned to shrug it off and press forward. I had to for my patients and myself, I couldn't be a total mess and be able to save lives. Everything I had I put into my career and everything I do is for this. The guilt begins creeping in. Jack has so much going on with him, I'm so stupid for reacting like I did. I sit up on the bed. The night is clear outside, the stars twinkling in the dark midnight sky. Sadness hits me like a wave and tonight I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even understand how everything ended up like this. I feel like I need something numb this pain. When do I stop running? You can't run from yourself, you can't run from what's inside your head. I slowly and weakly push myself off the bed. I take a deep sigh and run my hand through my hair. I open the door and the light hits me like a wall. I walk wearily towards the kitchen, my eyes adjusting to the light. Jack should be awake, I need to apologize to him. The kitchen opens up from the hallway and I see Herrera sitting alone at the table on her phone.

"Hey." She says confused to see me.

"Hi. Can't sleep?" I ask yawning.

"Not really. Haven't been able to sleep much lately.

"Yeah me either." I sit across from her at the table. I so easily shrug off my emotions. I push them down and shove them away deep inside the depths of my brain. I just wish I could shut off my brain and get a good nights sleep sometimes. I'm so restless every night and it feels like there's no fix. No off switch, nothing to soothe it. I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. Perhaps when I was in the hospital?

"So how long have you been a firefighter?" I ask Herrera. She looks up from her phone.

"My whole life basically. My father used to be captain of 19." She says boldly and proudly.

"Captain? Really?" I say curious. I mean, it makes sense her dad was captain. She really knows everything with fire inside and out. She has a passion for it that's rare to find.

"Yeah! He used to run this place. But he got sick and now he pops in and out sometimes. It all got kinda messy after my 'almost' engagement and the skyscraper fire."

"You were engaged? What happened during the skyscraper fire?" I ask. I haven't heard anything about this. She looks outside at the dark sky, her eyes seem so far from here.

"It was just a hard time for the entire station is all. Much like the storm as well. You'll learn about it more from all of us. It still haunts us everyday. I better get some rest before the day. Good night." She gets up and leaves without another word. I guess I hit a touchy subject? I should really stop prying into the business here. I just want to get to know everyone. I sit in silence alone at the table. The night is calm and cool, a light wind blowing the trees outside. I guess I should lie down a while as well, not that I'll get much sleep.

__The air is cold and harsh. My lungs ache from the frigid temperatures piercing my lungs. How long have I been here? Days? Weeks? I lost track of the days after the fifth night. I pull the collar of my dark blue jump suit up around my neck. Damn, its so cold. I lean against the helicopter. I look down at my snow covered boots, the reflective strips on my pants twinkle in the sun. The top of Mount Waddington is high in altitude, the air is thinner than normal. I'm far some civilization, around 200 kilometers from the closest town, Williams Lake. It would take me two weeks to walk that far at a continuous pace. I'm going to die out here, no one is going to find me. I look out at the far stretched peaks, its quite beautiful actually. I need to find water and the only food I have is from the teams lunches. My minds in survival mode, I have to survive. Or should I just give up? __

I wake up cold as I come to my senses. I'm covered in sweat again, I shiver as I feel the breeze blow through the open window. I reach for my phone, its early in the morning. I get up and head to the showers. I undress and turn on the shower and step into the water. The warmth creeps through my veins and I feel a sense of calm and relaxation. I start to hear everyone getting up and starting their shift. I appreciate the simple things now. Food, warmth, water. You never appreciate those things until you don't have them anymore. My mind begins to wander to Jack. I hope he's okay. I didn't mean to snap at him, I've just been thinking too much lately. I really need to apologize to him. I can't burn another bridge with a coworker. I start to rinse the conditioner out of my hair when the call alarm goes off.

"Aid Car respond. Man in distress." The voice booms as the alarm rings in my ears. Here we go again, another day, another call and another life to save. I hop out of the shower and squeeze out the water and throw my hair in a bun on the crown of my head. I dry off and get dressed in seconds and run down to the Aid Car. Maya is already in the drivers seat. The bay doors open and we're off down the road with full lights and sirens.

The hot sun beats down on my back and neck. We arrive on a dusty mountain side. Maya hops out and we stare out on the hills. Anxiety begins to fill my veins. I can feel the panic begin to rise.

"There's no one here. Where's our patient?" She asks looking around, breaking my train of thought.

"I don't know. This is where dispatch said it was on the map. Should I call back and see if they can trace the GPS on the call?" I take out my phone to dial.

"HELLO?" Maya yells at the top of her lungs. Her voice echoes off the valley. "FIRE DEPARTMENT!" We stand there for a second waiting for a response. I begin to walk down the hiking trail. I walk a few hundred feet, listening every so often for cries. I come to a cliff, and yell across the drop.

"PARAMEDICS! HELLO?!" I pause, the seconds drag on when suddenly, "Help! Help! Over here!" A voice comes from down the trail to my left.

"Maya! Over here! Grab the jump kit and spine board!" I yell running towards the patient. As I run along the path I realize I'm alone running to them. I begin sweating, my mind over thinking. I see the patient sitting against a tree with a open compound fracture on their ankle. Maya comes running over and open the jump kit up.

"I'm Maya this is Madi. We're here to help. Can you tell me how this happened?"

"Well I was just hiking and I tried jumping down that ledge there on the trail and I twisted it with my whole weight and it just snapped and went through the skin." He says shakily. He's sweaty and pale. I take out my Sp02 monitor and start taking his blood pressure.

"You didn't fall did you? No neck pain?" Maya asks, trying to rule out spinal injuries.

"No I just laid down here."

"Do you know your name? Where you are?"

"Yes. Yes, my name is Michael." His words seem to fade away and I find my arms tensing. Oh no, its happening again. The world around me seems to blur and distort. I can't focus on anything. I seem to start to float outside my body, nothing seems real. Its as if I'm looking through my eyes but from the back of my brain. Adrenaline and a sense of panic and fear? No I can't tell what feeling it is but it's uncomfortable and intense. It courses through my body and I can't make sense of anything. It hits me like waves, his face. Mike's face and the helicopter and the years I knew him. From my first day at the station to us both getting in as critical care paramedics on the Air Ambulance. He was there for me whenever I needed. It all flashes before me and I start to panic. I stand up and run up to a tree a few feet away. I hunch over leaning on it. I rest my forehead on my arm, making sure to not touch my dirty gloves to my skin. I take deep breaths and try and subdue the sobs I feel coming. My throat burns and feels like I'm choking as I force the tears down. I start to hyperventilate and try and calm my breathing down but the images and thoughts won't stop. I can't do this, I can't… it feels like I'm dying. I'm having a panic attack, and it feels as though I've disassociated out of this world, out of my mind. I should've been there, I should've done more… I feel so guilty… I…

"Hale?! Snap out of it! I need you over here, we need to splint his ankle and transport him out of here!" Maya says in a harsh and urgent tone. I try and pull myself together. I quickly walk back over, wiping the sweat off my forehead. I have to stay focused. This patient needs me, I have to help him. We successfully splint his ankle and using the fore and aft lift we carry him back to the Aid Car.

Maya and I didn't say anything the entire time back to 19. We park the Aid Car and start to walk up the stairs.

"Hey Maya, um. Please don't mention… what happened today to anyone. I just… got stressed..?" I say nervously. I can't have this happen again. I can't bear to have them think of me as this. I'm fine, I just got overwhelmed.

"Its fine. It happens." Her eyes dig into me like daggers. She continues up the stairs and leaves me alone in the stairwell. I continue up the stairs, I need to lie down. I need to be alone. I open the door and take a glance at the table where everyone is and my eyes meet Maya again. She stares me down as I continue walking. My eyes meet Jack's before I'm out of sight. I find the nearest empty room and close the door behind me. I burst into tears, it all floods out of me, I bottled it up so much on scene that I'm just exploding. I hear the door open and I turn to see Jack standing there. He leans against the door and just stands there. I pace around the room crying and trying to pull myself together. So many emotions hit me, anger, frustration, sadness. I cant make sense of it all. I stop pacing and stand there looking at Jack. He looks at me with is soft blue eyes. He stares at the floor, just letting his presence fill the room.

"She told you?" I blurt out, my voice cracking.

"Told me what?" He crosses his arms and has this half grin half smirk on his face. If I wasn't so upset I might think its sexy.

"About the call, Jack!"

"She didn't tell me anything." I turn away from him and take a deep breath and wipe away the tears.

"I froze today. I completely froze. Something just triggered it and everything went blurry and I felt dizzy and I couldn't hear anything. I just panicked."

"I had that once too. Actually was also with Maya. It was on a subway with a strain of the bird flu that broke out." I keep faced away from him. Hot silent wet tears stream down my face. "Hey…" He grabs me and turns me around and hugs me tightly. "It's okay. It's okay. I'm here." I look up and just stare into his eyes. They're as blue as the ocean. So beautiful like a tragic storm, so mysterious and deadly, yet so calming and reassuring. He slowly moves his face down to mine. Our lips meet gently and I can feel how soft his lips are. I move my lips in a rhythmic motion and he follows. He puts his hand on my wait and pulls me closer to him. I feel calmer, the storm inside me is lessened. He pulls away and kisses me on my puts his hand on my neck and slowly strokes my hair. I can't be alone, I need to feel safe. I don't want to be alone with my mind, with my demons anymore.

"Please stay, Jack." I whisper. I place my head into his chest smelling his cologne and just his smell in general. I run my hand over his muscly arms, just feeling how soft his skin is. I reach down and wrap my fingers around his and hold his hand.

"Okay." He whispers back. He lets go and walks over to the corner of the room. He pulls up a chair across the room. "I'll sit here. I won't go anywhere. I'll be right here the entire time, Madi. I promise." He sits down and stares at me. I nod, so exhausted from today so far. Crying really takes all the energy out of you. Maybe also the fact that I only got three hours sleep last night. I lie down slowly and turn and face the wall. I take a deep breath and try to calm my mind. I can hear him breathing, the room is so quiet.

"Good night, Jack." I say quietly.

"Good night, Madi."


	6. Chapter 6-Of the Beaten and Bruised

The traffic is clear, as I drive along the highway. It's a nice day, aside from the usual Seattle rain. I drive down the road smoothly in my car. I turn the radio and listen to a pop station. I grip the steering wheel with one hand and put my elbow up on the window ledge. I lean my head sideways getting comfortable, still watching the road. My last shift was boring and long, but I had two days off which was nice. I didn't do much other than watch Netflix and HBO shows. I do a shoulder check and swiftly change lanes. It's definitely so much easier navigating my small car than the big ambulances. My shift starts in half an hour, I should make it to 19 on time. I pass the sign for Grey Sloan, the station is only a few blocks away. I shift and place two hands on the wheel. I stare at the road, the gray sky overhead, rain pouring down. My windshield wipers are going, radio on in the background. I glance over at my empty passenger seat. Mike used to come to work with me everyday. He'd sit in that exact seat, always cracking jokes and making me laugh. I still remember his brown eyes and salt and pepper hair. He was my rock, a father figure to me. I could confide in him with anything. He kept me sane and grounded, always helping me talk things out and making sure I was okay. He was my mentor and we spent so much time together both at work and in our personal lives. I had met his grown children and he had been close with his ex-wife as well. They still remained friends after their divorce to raise their children. With him gone it feels like a piece of me is missing. It feels like that piece was gouged out of me with a dull rusty spoon. It left an emptiness I can't describe, something so big like a void and this hollow space that I can't fill. I just need to fill it with something. I need to make the pain stop somehow. I feel like I can't live much longer like this. It feels like it might take me and I just want to end the pain myself before it kills me. A few tears start to stream down my face. Stop, Madi, stop thinking about him. He's not in your life anymore and you can't do anything about it. Just get over it, push it down and don't think about him. I can see a bridge up ahead, just a few more block until I'm at work. I can just try and forget and focus on my patients and the calls. My phone vibrates and the screen lights up. I pull over just before the bridge in a safe area off the road. A text from Jack reads: __Coffee after shift? Or maybe dinner tonight? __Jack and I haven't talked yet about… the kiss. We just kinda went about our business after. I woke up from sleeping in the bunk and he was still there. He was just sitting there reading on his phone watching over me. He just smiled at me seeing I was awake. He gave me a nod and got up and went to his own bunk and slept. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. I didn't any nightmares, he seemed to chase them all away. I open my phone to text back when something up on the bridge catches my eye. My paramedic gut instinct kicks in immediately.

A man is pacing back and forth on the bridge. He has a brown paper bag in his hand with what looks like a liquor bottle inside. His suit is all untucked and his tie is hanging loosely around his neck. He's eyeing the traffic watching as the cars go by. He locks onto a car and stops pacing for a second and looks like he holds his breath as it passes. The cars are going 90km an hour on this highway. He seems distraught and very upset, and looks as if he's sobbing. He has the image of a successful business man, his suit looks well made and tailored. I sit watching him, my phone still in my hand. Please don't be a jumper, I can't handle this today. Please. My hands begin to shake, I can feel the adrenaline building in my chest. Another wave of cars come up behind me. I look in the rear view mirror, I hold my breath as they come u behind me. In the back of my mind I know what's about to happen. A big work truck whizzes by me and I watch as he steps off the sidewalk curb on the bridge. The sound of a limp body hitting metal and then concrete is one you never want to hear. Its a sound I've heard before, and the hollow __thud __you can't forget. I jump out of my car and grab my jump kit. I begin running as fast as I can to the accident. The truck had pulled off to the side, the driver seems unhurt. The man lays crumpled on the highway. Cars are stopping and beginning to pile up behind the scene. The rain pours down on me, my hair is wet and dripping. His clothes are soaked through, blood is mixing with the water on the dark concrete.

"Someone call 911!" I scream at the people getting out of their cars. I begin assessing the patient. I check his radial pulse in his wrist he has a pulse thank god. He's alive. I check his breathing, its shallow but adequate. I rip open my jump kit and put gloves on and take out my stethoscope. I listen to his lungs, there's diminished sounds on his left side. He has a collapsed lung. "Hello? Can you hear me? My name's Madi, I'm a paramedic." No response. I get up and lay down at his head and hold his neck and head in place. I have to hold his head in place so he doesn't become paralyzed or cause more issues. It's a miracle that he even has a pulse. I'm stressed and my thoughts are racing. I have to check his lungs, I need to insert a chest tube to re-inflate his lung so he can breathe better. But I also need to hold spinal. He's getting oxygen, and has a pulse so my main priority is holding spinal. Damn it! I need a partner, I cant work this trauma alone there's too many things that need to be done. People have began to gather around the patient and I. I remain lying down on my stomach with my elbows anchored on the concrete holding his head. I watch as his chest and stomach rise and fall slowly. "Is the ambulance on its way?" I ask a man standing there. He nods, yes. Why did this patient do that? He reeks of booze. Why did he attempt to take his own life? What's going on in his life that its so bad he wants to end it all? In the distance I can hear sirens approaching. The rigs pull up and the team hops out. I see Jack and our eyes lock.

"Madi?" He says confused.

"He tried to kill himself. He is a 30 something year old male, has a collapsed lung on his left side. Spinal precautions and possible internal bleeding and other injuries." I bark to Warren and Montgomery. Warren nods a reassuring 'you did good' nod to me.

"Madi are you okay?" Jack asks me, placing a hand on my shoulder. He is in his full bunker gear. The helmet strap sways beside his face. I nod at him and start packing up my jump kit. "Let me drive you to the station." I nod again. I can't think of how I'm feeling. If the patient wanted to die so badly, he's bound to try again and I won't be there to save him. I walk back to my car slowly, Jack following behind me. I open the driver's side door. He places his hand on the door, "Here, let me drive." He gets in. I walk to the passenger side. Jack takes his turnout coat off and throws it in the back seat. I sit in silence for a moment and I can feel his eyes on me. I look up through the windshield and Maya is staring right at us off in the distance. Jack starts the car and we drive off scene.

The rain still hasn't let up. I stare out the window in the TV room. The news is on behind me filling the emptiness of the room. I sit on the couch leaning against the back of it, my legs tucked underneath me. We haven't gotten a call all shift. I've just been kind of sitting here after I finished my duty stations. I swept and mop the floors and wiped down the windows. I watched the rain droplets slowly slide down the window. They'd meet and fall together down and out of sight faster than on they were on their own. The cloudy gray sky stretches out over the city. It's starting to get dark now. Noise comes from the kitchen as people start to cook dinner for the team. I hear footsteps behind me and the door clicking closed. I turn and see Jack standing in the door way. His hair is swept up and gelled back, and his uniform is perfectly tucked in. He comes over and sits in a chair across from me.

"Hey." He says calmly. I didn't say much to him today. Just the general 'where does this go' and 'where's the mop,' stuff like that. Nothing of true importance passed our lips. "We should talk." Anxiety fills me. I don't know what 'we' are. I don't know what the kiss meant. Clearly he's as interested in me as I am with him. But is it just infatuation? A crush? Could it turn into more? It feels like I don't know what's going on. I feel lost with the touch of reality. It drives me crazy I don't know what he's thinking and I don't know what he wants. I just wish we would say it was a mistake. It would cause us both less pain and stress in the long run. I'll hurt him in some way or the other. I'll probably run again, burn all my bridges and just take off to another city. Or hell even a new country again, who knows?

"Yeah it's probably a good idea." I say shyly. I look down and play with my hair.

"We should probably discuss what happened the other day…" His voice trails off handing the conversation over to me.

"Yeah… Jack.. I.. guess I was just upset." I say shutting myself off. I want to be with him. I so do, more than anything I've been sure of. I'm just afraid, afraid I'll mess everything up more than I have already.

"Madi, I think you're great. I really do.. I just haven't had the best… past." He comes and sits beside me on the couch. I can hear pots and pans clanking in the kitchen and the voices of the team.

"I didn't either. You don't know much about me, Jack."

"Well I'd like to. I just… don't think anyone else should know if we are together. Whatever this is. It's a protocol thing really." He stares down at his hands. "But… if you're willing… I really like you… I'm sorry I'm not good at…" He gestures with his hands, "Talking about my feelings." He stands up to leave, "You know what, forget what I said. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No! Wait." I get up and stand close to him. "It's okay. You don't have to explain."

"Let's just… We're all going out for a drink after work. Let's just get to know each other." He says looking down at me. I smile slightly under his glances.

"Yeah. That sounds like a great idea." He nods and leaves. I sit back down on the couch and smile.

After a long day on shift the bar seems like such a nice idea. I haven't gone out in such a long time. I enter "Joe's Bar" cross the street from Grey Sloan. The lighting is dark and a reddish colour. The entire team is there in different areas around the bar. Jack and Miller are sitting in a booth together in the far left. Herrera and Bishop are sitting at the bar together. Montgomery and Hughes are at a tall table in the middle. Other people fill the empty spaces and music blares from around the room. I recognize some doctors from across the street as well. Jack sees me and a huge smile flashes across his face. His eyes light up and he gets up and walk over to me. He's dressed in a blue button up and dark jeans. He wraps his arms around me in a big hug. I feel the warmth of his body and his cologne.

"Lets get you a drink! You deserve it!" He cheerfully says and walks towards a bar. He hand me a beer.

"Thanks." I smile. We walk back over to the booth.

"Hey Hale! How was your first month at 19?"

"It was alright! No where near as crazy as when I worked in Canada." Just as the words flow from my mouth the memory comes flooding back to me.

__The call started off as a simple one. Man having a major heart attack in a remote area. It was an automated response that started the Air Ambulance. We all jumped into the helicopter prepared for the flight from Vancouver. Mike and I were ready to go and the pilots have us take off. __

_"___We still on for dinner with my family tonight? My daughter Ashley is flying in for the week from school." His voice has a weird tinny sound to it from the helicopter radio.__

_"___For sure! Rachel making that killer chicken? You know I'll be there!" I laugh fixing my helmet. __

_"___Of course! She's famous in her book club for it! She's also making her cheesecake for dessert! We're celebrating Ashley finishing her school year. She passed all her university classes." __

_"___That's so awesome for her! She's in law at McGill right?"__

_"___Yeah its one of the best in Canada! She just finished her first year. Rachel and I are so proud of her."__

_"___She's such a smart kid, Mike. I'm so happy for her!" __

I smile at the memory but my heart aches that he's not here with me. I take a sip of my beer and feel like the anxiety lessens. I take another sip and taste the earthy yeast taste. Its been a while since I had alcohol. I've never been interested in alcohol because of my mother. I drink occasionally with dinner and friends but not since I've moved here.

As the night goes on the drinks keep flowing. I start to forget how many I've had and what I'm drinking. The vodka tastes like the rubbing alcohol and heartache. My head is fuzzy and the world seems to spin. My only thoughts are on standing straight and having to pee. I feel so at peace and calm, nothing is bothering me. I feel so light and airy, high even. The taste lingers in my mouth of the alcohol I consumed. It's almost as if the hole inside me is filled, even if this won't last forever. I don't have to think, I don't have to feel. He touches my waist as I unlock the door to my house. I look up at his blue eyes and kiss him hard on the lips. I can taste the beer on his breath. We're both not in a good state to make rational decisions. But I could care less about anything of the sort right now. I know what I want and I know he wants the same. I'm just not sure I'll remember it tomorrow or anything for that matter.


	7. Chpt 7-The Love in my Heart is a Cancer

I wake up in a fog. The sheets are soft against my skin. I'm fully naked, my head buried in the pillow. I open my eyes and the sunlight is blinding from the window. I have a pounding headache and a thirst for water that's indescribable. I feel sick to my stomach and quite out of it still. I don't remember very much of what happened last night. I sit up on the edge of my bed and pull a pair of shorts and a tank top. I start work later. I slowly walk down to the kitchen, the migraine in my head pounding. I pour a big glass of cold water and take a large gulp. My stomach starts to ache and before I know it I throw up into the sink. Great, a nice start to my day. Why did I drink so much last night? What even happened? I remember bits and pieces, the bar and the beers. But after the fifth shot and cocktails it all starts to blur. I remember getting into the cab with Jack. But I don't remember going up stairs or how my clothes got off. I remember the taste of his lips and the feeling of his chest pressing against mine. But that's all I remember. I can't remember him crawling out of bed this morning or or what time it had been. I feel better after throwing up, less nauseous. I read somewhere online that if you have a small amount of alcohol the next day it helps hangovers. I go into my cupboard and find a small bottle of vodka, a mickey. I pour a shot into a small glass and quickly drink it down. The taste reminds me of last night and the peace I felt. I sigh deeply, what am I getting myself into? My mind wants me to drink more. Drink to forget everything that's coming flooding back to me. The memories swarm inside my mind, coming faster and faster. I slink down onto the kitchen floor. I lay down on the cold tiles and huddle in the fetal position. I hug myself so tightly for comfort. Safety is what I need to feel. I feel unsafe with myself, unsafe in my mind. I think of all the things I've witnessed in my life and career. Sadness comes over me, how long can I keep going like this? But what other choice do I have? I don't have anywhere else to go. I've already left to another country. I just keep running from everything and everyone. But how can I run from what's in my mind? Stop, Madi you need to get a hole of yourself. I lay there for a moment just existing. The sadness has made me numb, unable to move a single muscle. My head is pounding still, but my stomach has settled. I roll over onto my back and eventually push myself up to a sitting position. I pull my knees to my chest and dig my head into my lap. My brown hair falls down around my face. I sit in silence, the emptiness is daunting. I pull myself up and start to brew a cup of coffee. I stare at the mickey of vodka beside me on the counter. The coffee machine makes a __whirring __sound. Every instinct in my head is telling me 'just a sip more. You'll feel free again.' I try and push the thought out of head. No, Madi you can't, you have work in an hour. Damn it, one sip won't hurt. I grab the bottle and drink right from it. The taste is so potent and all I can think of is that it's like drinking straight rubbing alcohol. It hits my stomach like a pit, it hurts for a second and then I throw up again. I drink some water and try to calm my stomach. Great look what you did. Everything's your fault as usual.

My head is still fuzzy by the time I arrive at the station. I feel somewhat normal other than feeling more tired than usual and that's saying something. Everyone seems their usual cheery selves. I walk up the long concrete stairs with my bag to the locker room. The sun is rising outside, flooding the entire station with bright warm light. I pass by the kitchen and Herrera and Bishop are sitting at the table. Breakfast is ready on the table for all of us to eat. Shift is about to stars in around twenty minutes. I make my way to my locker to store my stuff. I open it, its completely empty. I don't have any photos or stickers or magnets. I don't have any family or friends to put photos up of. Maybe I could get a photo of a cute dog or something. I do have a photo tucked away of Mike and I on the Air Ambulance… Jack comes up behind me and scares me. He spins me around, I drop my bag and he kisses me on the lips.

"Good morning." He says with a huge smile on his face. He goes and locks the door. He begins to unbutton his shirt. I'm stunned at what he's implying. I still have a headache and feel hungover and sluggish. He stops abruptly and comes close to me. "Do you smell like alcohol?" He ask bluntly looking confused and slightly upset. "Have you been drinking this morning?" I try and think of an excuse quickly.

"I just haven't showered yet. Must be from last night." I lie to his face. Why am I lying? I'm not drunk, I just had a small 'swig.' I push it out of my mind, I can't get into trouble. It's fine, I'm not impaired in anyway whatsoever. He nods believing me.

"What happened last night, Jack?"

"You don't remember? Must not have been that memorable." He smirks. I shake my head.

"No. I remember bits and pieces. Did we… uh… Did you 'sleep' over?" I ask hesitating but stating the obvious.

"Yeah, we slept together… you really don't remember?" He says. I feel a rush of anxiety and awkwardness.

"I…" I begin, there's a knock at the door.

"Gibson?" Bishop's voice comes from behind the door. "We're all starting breakfast." The awkward tension between Jack and I is so intense. I walk over and open the door and Maya seems confused. Jack walks past me without saying a word. I just don't know what to say? I'm sorry? Sorry I don't remember it? I don't know what it meant, it was just drunken sex? Or did it mean more than that? Nothing makes sense and I don't know how I feel. I just need to get through today and just go home to be alone. I know I care about Jack and he cares about me but it just feels like he's keeping something from me. I just don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure I'll find out as time goes by.

It feels like I've built a fortress around myself. I don't really socialize with the crew, I never attend the dinners and hang outs at Jack's and Miller's. I feel like I'm isolating myself with just coming to my shift and then going home after. The bar last night was the first time since moving here that I went out. At the fire academy I just kept to myself and did everything asked of me. I kept my head down and didn't make any friends. I feel like 19 is more accepting but I just can't bring myself to allow myself to be close to them. I know they have my back but the walls around me feel too high. I sit alone on the cat walk above the rigs. Cars pass by occasionally on the street. It was a nice day, only a few medical calls but I didn't attend. Montgomery and Bishop took the calls. The loneliness aches inside me, I feel as if I'm alone in life. I feel like I did when I left Canada. I just got into my car and just kept driving, telling myself everything would be fine if I left. I couldn't bare another day seeing everyone's faces anymore. The pity in their eyes, it felt like I was drowning. I was already upset enough and everyone treating me like I was fragile just made it worse. I know it's not healthy to bottle my emotions but it just doesn't seem important. I have a job to do, I do it and then I go home. As simple as that really. I don't need to see a therapist to 'talk' about my feelings and what happened. I just think it'll make it worse, I mean I've been fine on my own. I've managed this far, what's it going to change if I talk to someone? The siren rings through the station: "Medical aid-19, possible heart attack. Aid Car respond." Montgomery pokes his head from the door way across from the bridge, "Can you take that? I'm helping the Captain with something." He asks. I nod, of course. I get up and race down to the Aid Car. Maya seems confused when I hop into the passenger seat.

"Montgomery is helping the Captain." I inform her. She doesn't say anything and just drives us out of the station.

We drive full code to the call. Any cardiac emergencies is important. We can never know if death is imminent or not. We don't know the full state of the patient or what shape they'll be when we arrive on scene. All the info we have comes from dispatch and it's usually really vague or not correct. We pull up to the house, a huge beautiful old style type mansion. The gate in front of us is locked, and no one seems to be around. There's a fountain in front with a beautiful rose garden around it. I hop out of the Aid Car and go to grab the jump kits and O2 from the side compartment. Bishop goes and pushed the button on the gate to get us inside. There isn't a way for the Aid Car to fit into the gate, we'll have to go on foot. I walk around to the back doors of the Aid Car. I open them and push the button on the Auto Loader on the Stryker stretcher. It slowly pulls out of the Aid Car and stops hanging off the back. I push the button underneath and lower down the wheels. Bishop appears behind me and throws the jump kits, O2 and AED onto the cot. We both maneuver it across the cobble brick pathway. We didn't say a word to each other the entire time. I feel like there's some weird feelings between us? Does she know whats going on with Jack and I? Or does she just not like me for other reasons? Maybe because of the hiker call we had, when I lost it for a second? Never less, we're still adults and medical professionals. We approach the door, a beautiful glass and wood design. It swings open and a middle aged women who looks distraught is standing there on the phone.

"Yes! They're here now. Thank you!" She abruptly hangs up the phone. She must have been on with dispatch. Their protocol is to stay on the line until the first responders arrive. "This way! Quickly!" She turns and runs off through the huge open entry. She begins to run up a big set of grand stairs. We were always told in school 'paramedics don't run.' It scares people when you see paramedics or people in uniform running. We usually 'swiftly' speed walk to our patients. This lady was full on sprinting as fast as she could up those stairs. There was no way we could catch up to her.

"Ma'am! You need slow down! Just wait for us." Bishop says in a strong but secure tone. I grab the O2 and jump kit off the stretcher, I guess I'll be the attendant on this call. I'll call all the shots and make most of the decisions on how to save this man's life. I begin to walk quickly following her, Bishop in quick pursuit begin me carrying the ECG machine and medications bag. We climb up the stairs and follow a long hallway carpet into a large room. The patient is lying on a medical grade bed, a tray stand over his bed. The scene looks a lot like a home care setup. There are numerous medications sitting on the dresser under the wall mounted TV. We set down the equipment and begin our primary assessment.

"Hello? Sir can you hear me? My name's Madi, this is Maya. We're the paramedics." I say walking towards him with blue vinyl gloves on. There is no response from him. His skin is pale, grey and clammy. I check his radial pulse in his wrist. No pulse, I check his carotid in his neck, no pulse. I look to Bishop who's getting the O2 ready.

"No pulse. Starting CPR." I get onto his chest and begin doing chest compressions. Bishop comes over and attaches the 12 lead ECG limb leads to his chest with the electrode stickers. The ECG machine chirps on and my chest compressions show up as I push down on his chest. She rips out the AED pads as well from the side compartment on the ECG machine and places them on his chest. She then grabs the bag valve mask, attached to the O2 tank and begins ventilating breaths into his lungs. I continue doing compressions, listening to the__beep beep beep __as I press into his chest. The machine alerts me that I'm achieving adequate compressions. I keep my eyes locked on the machine waiting for a shockable heart rhythm. I look at the lady who opened the front door, standing watching us with a horrified scared face. Bishop looks over to her as well.

"Who is he to you?" She asks urgently.

"He's my father." She states, her voice shaking.

"Does he have any medical conditions?"

"Yeah, he um, has a heart condition. We've been battling this for a while." She stammers. Just as my mind is wandering to life saving measurements and DNR's. The monitor beeps 'Analyzing'. I stop CPR and let the machine read his heart rhythms. The time it takes to read feels like forever. I know that with every second we're not doing chest compressions and getting oxygen into his lungs the brain damage worsens. We stand patiently, the silence filling the room. I stand with my hands at my sides watching the ECG machine. 'Shock advised.'

"Clear Clear?" Maya holds her gloved hands up to show she's not touching the patient. I hit the red lighting button on the ECG and the patient jolts his whole body. Maya jumps onto the chest and I take over ventilating. A moment later we hear __beep beep beep__ of a regular hear rhythm and the patient opens his eyes. I smile down at him taking the bag valve mask off his face.

"Hello. Welcome back. We almost lost you there." He looks up at me and his face turns to anger.

"Why are you here?" He says angrily. I look over to hos daughter who has approached the bed. She takes his hand, tears streaming down her face.

"Dad, they just wanted to help you. I need you here. You almost died." She pleads.

"Get out! Get out of my house." He yells. Maya and I look at each other confused.

"Some patients can be confused after resuscitation." I say to the daughter. She looks at me. It seems like she's not telling me something. Maya looks to the patient.

"Sir, did you have a DNR order?" She asks calmly.

"Sure as hell I did."

"Dad… don't."

"Go get the paper signed by the doctor, Marie." I look to the daughter who looks like she's going to have a panic attack.

"Here, I'll come with you to get the paperwork." Maya takes her and calmly takes her out of the room. I begin cleaning up the mess of medical equipment.

"Sir, I'm very sorry. She should've disclosed that or not have called us. I assure you, if we had known, we would've respected your wishes." I carefully peel off the electrodes from his chest and AED pads and dispose of them.

"It's not your fault. She just doesn't want to live without me. She's the only one of my kids who doesn't want my money." His voice is course and harsh. I smile sweetly. I turn my empathetic tone and paramedic face on.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm glad she cares about you." I unplug the O2 from the tank and pack up the bag valve mask to throw away later. Maya and the daugher, Marie appear again paper in hand. She hands it to me and sure enough it's signed by a doctor, the patient and I'm guessing another one of his children.

"Well, it appears that you do have a DNR. I hope that you'll forgive us."

"Eh, you were just doing your job." He shrugs it off. I look to Marie.

"Please declare next time that he has a signed DNR by a doctor. It's very pertinent that you notify the first responders." She nods agreeing. "I know this is hard for you, but if this is what he wishes just try and spend as much time with him now. Before it's his time. Alright? Are you going to be okay?" She goes over and lies next to him on the bed. There really isn't much else we can do now. Taking him to the hospital will just agitate him more and they can't help if he codes again. But we also can't tell her to not call 911. We pack up all our things and make sure the patient and the daughter are comfortable before heading back to the station. That call was very anti-climatic but that's the nature of this job sometimes. We never know what we're walking into. I feel sad that we couldn't help that patient. We saved his life but in the end it wasn't the right decision. My own father died from a heart attack, I know what his daughter was going through. She felt she needed more time with him before he passes. I know that I wasn't ready for my dad to die. My sister died, my father died from the stress of that... and then the mountain… it just seems like everyone around me died. I can't forgive myself of that, I don't think I ever can. It feels like everything I touch…. I destroy in some way. I feel like I'm a virus that infiltrates quietly and slowly and then gradually destroys you over time. I've done it time and time again. I don't think Seattle will be any different. There's no cure for me, maybe I just need to wipe the virus out at the source. I need to destroy patient zero, but the only problem is, I'm patient zero.


End file.
